5.20.2010

The Summer Ennui Post


Summer is an awful time for me. All the Vitamin D coming my way must be messing with my body chemistry because I always experience either crushing depression, euphoric joy, complete anti-social behavior, or become so needy it's sick. Better yet is when I experience a cocktail of all of the above.

I've been known to cry at the mere sight of sunlight. I've also been known to bitch about it for over an hour until the sun finally sets. I've also been known to hole up at home for days on end, never seeing a single soul until someone realizes I've been MIA and drags me out of my miserable state for a few hours of company with other human beings. It's not a pretty sight and no matter what happens, it never really quite goes away until the weather cools and the skies become grey again, at which time my heart gets full, my soul feels at peace, and life is once again worth living.

I think the sun exposes too much. With all of this daylight filling each and every dark corner, where can all my fears and insecurities hide?

I've been trying to take stock of the things in my life, trying to get at the core of the matter. What is important to me, what gives me joy, what gives me peace, what gives me pain, what makes me want to rip my eyes out, what restores my faith, what people I need to eliminate from my life, what can I do to make myself feel better, what can I do to get back to a place where I am OK again? It's exhausting to ask so many questions at once. No wonder my favorite summer activity is sleeping.

Turning 26 doesn't help much either. It's that critical time where you either take a shit or get off the pot. I've always grown up thinking that other people's thoughts and feelings were more important than mine, who am I after all? It doesn't matter how I feel about so and so, it only matters how X feels about so and so. It's an Asian thing, it's a Thai thing, it's a Catholic thing, it's a respecting your elders thing. It's really tough to try to break the cycle and actually listen to your heart after being told it doesn't matter for 26 years. Just follow this road and never question it.

I can already feel that this is going to be a rough summer. I'm desperately feeling the lack of a support system which feels like trying to breathe underwater. Sure, you can make it for a little while but sooner or later you are going to need to find some air or else it's the bottom of the ocean for you.

June is coming up so fast....where does all the time go...

1 comment:

SLY said...

I love you so much.